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Thursday, 14 April 2011

  • && Inspiration is usually just over the horizon.

    "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything."
    Win Borden

    Story of my life...
    I've used 20 years of my life trying to figure this little portion of it out. Then all of a sudden, it makes sense. Everyone is going to make mistakes, it's just how you handle those mistakes that makes you who you are. Running away only helps temporarily. Sure, there are times when you're down and don't feel like getting back up, but eventually you realize you really just have to get over it. You'll be a'ight.


    ‎"Dream as if you'll live forever.
    Live as if you'll die today."
    James Dean

    I can dream all I want... it's not going to change the truth...
    I was never meant to be great. Never meant to make something wonderful of myself. I'm just another player in this game, one that has no valuable meaning. I once dreamed of being a Veterinarian. I decided I couldn't do it because I couldn't handle having to lose a single animal, knowing they were a part of someone's family. And then, I wanted to be a Psychologist. A counselor, maybe. I decided not to do that and choose something "better" by going into the Army. Guess what? I failed at that one, too. After that I thought, maybe I can be a cop. Police Officers get a lot of respect, they are a great part of society. Couldn't do that one because I'd be eaten alive in the streets. Now, I'm thinking of being a lawyer, but guess what? It's probably not going to happen because I'm either not going to be able to afford law school, or I'll fail at that, too.


    "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."
    Oscar Wilde

    Mistakes made in my life:
    Not getting accepted into the GATE program in grammar school
    Not getting straight A's in high school
    Failing to complete Basic Training
    Not getting a 4.0 in college
    Not being a mechanic to gain my family's approval
    Constantly regretting things I shouldn't


    "For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else."
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Examples as follows:
    Losing my first dog, Lacy, at age 11 (loss) --> Realizing life isn't fair (gain)
    Moving for the very first time (gain) --> The beginning of a life of inconsistencies (loss)
    Getting my heart broken over and over (loss) --> Takes a lot to make me cry (gain)
    Bouncing back from failing in BCT (gain) --> Other people still see me as a failure (loss)
    Parents' divorce at age 12 (loss) --> (I'll have to get back to this one. Still haven't figured out the 'good' that came from it.)

Friday, 18 February 2011

  • && Absence makes the Heart grow Fonder

    Wow... September, huh? Oh well, not like it matters to anyone.
    Three weeks left of school... On the home stretch and losing momentum. Quickly. It seems like every time something semi-important is going to happen, something bad has to come along and destroy it. March will be my last month in Stockton, sadly. I'll be moving back into my brother's house. Yeah, living an hour away from my work... not the best idea, definitely not the smartest, and talk about no time to myself... I'm tired all the time as it is, no matter how much sleep I get. How am I going to manage a life outside of work and sleep when I only have 4 hours a day to work with that I wont be sleeping? I guess I'll figure it out.
    My mom offered the idea of me singing at my Grandpa's Celebration of Life. I would absolutely love to, especially the song she wants me to sing, but I'm not about to make people listen to my horrible voice when we're already mourning the death of a great man.

    Depression is a recurring, annoying disease that consumes one's life. It get's worse after major things such as a death or a loss of anything really. (A job, a significant other, insurance, the ability to afford rent... the list goes on and on.) I honestly think I've been battling it for years. Not just months. Years of untreated, undetected depression left to brew deep inside while a false positive of being 'happy' is emitted. Yeah, that's the story of my life...

Friday, 03 September 2010

  • && The perfect song can express unspeakable words...

    "That's the Way it is" - Jo Dee Messina

    Everybody wants an easy ride
    On the merry-go-round that we call life
    Take your drive on cruise control
    Then you wait to find out it's a winding road
    I had my dreams in view
    When the money ran out and the engine blew

    Hung my tears out to dry
    Then my dreams fell out of that clear blue sky
    And I, I was walkin' the clouds
    Feelin' so safe and sound
    Then somethin' else knocks me down

    Well, Oh, That's the way it is
    You gotta roll with the punches
    That's the way it goes
    You gotta bend when the wind blows
    You live you learn
    You crash and burn
    It's hit or miss
    And that's the way it is

    One fine day you wake up
    Completely, hoplessly fallen in love
    He's just what you're lookin' for
    The only problem is, that the man's not sure
    Another guy'll give you everything

    The only problem is you don't feel a thing
    Well I know from expirence
    Nothin's ever gonna make perfect sense
    Oh, one day you get what you want
    But it's not what you think
    Then you get what you need

    Well, Oh, That's the way it is
    You gotta roll with the punches
    That's the way it goes
    You gotta bend when the wind blows
    You live you learn
    You crash and burn
    It's hit or miss
    And that's the way it is

    Yeah they say your soul is growin'
    But sometimes I feel like throwin' somethin'

    Well, Oh, That's the way it is
    You gotta roll with the punches
    That's the way it goes
    You gotta bend when the wind blows
    Well, That's the way it is
    You gotta roll with the punches
    That's the way it goes
    You gotta bend when the wind blows
    You live you learn
    You crash and burn
    It's hit or miss
    And that's the way it is

Friday, 27 August 2010

  • Currently
    Recovery
    By Eminem
    Love the Way You Lie
    see related

    && A mind on vacation, a body in full swing

    So lately it's been an interesting ride. I'm getting to that point again where my mind has stopped letting me know what I'm thinking about when there's nothing for me to concentrate on, so it's literally like I'm in a blank daze waiting for something to come along and snap me out of it. I need a vacation but hell, that would stress me out even more. I'm at a loss, I have no clue what I'm supposed to do other than add more stress onto my current stress in hopes of relieving some of the earlier stress. Does that even make sense? I didn't think so.

    I've always got somewhere to be, I've always got someone to see, I don't ever get a moment for me.

    My mediocre attempt at relieving stress on the weekends is no longer of any help, even in the slightest. Come Sunday afternoon, it all rushes back, multiplied. It's like being hit with a 3 ton Semi with no intent to stop. Of course, current relations are of no assistance in any of these situations, simply because when I can't hold a conversation with someone, it frustrates me on an even deeper level. Like I said, I need a vacation. I've been irritable, annoying, and just all over bitchy.

     

    Fare thee well.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

  • && Love is a Battlefield

    Two sides, one middle ground, conveniently named "No Mans Land." There is always one lonely individual on each side of the field, hiding behind their trench, hoping to be found and saved by the other side. But no one dares cross No Mans Land to save the other, because the minute that trench in climbed and one foot sets in that terrifying middle ground, shots are fired, bombs explode, and airstrikes begin. The one time someone shows the bravery and patience required to succeed in this deadly mission, the outcome is short-lived, and it only ever exists once no matter how hard of a fight is put up to find it again. This never ending mission is what continues these wars in each of us each long, grueling day.

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  • I'm pretty much boring.

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